Adoption is both sad and happy but mostly just a lot of love!

Before we adopted Penny we talked a lot about what adoption means.  I've always told her adoption is sad and happy but mostly just a lot of love.  But I've found over the years that its not just sad for the birth family and their children, but it is sad and quite painful at times for the adoptive families as well.  There are so many wonderful things about adoption and I'm so happy that most of the time they over shadow the hard things.  I am reminded sometimes, how human I am, even though I try so hard to be a Super.  I want to have the so much confidence in my decision to have an open adoption and never doubt it.  I don't want to feel jealous or insecure.  I know how I want to feel, how I'm supposed to feel (unselfish), but sometimes it just doesn't work like that.  Like when you have all the birth family over for a 3 hour visit on a Saturday, and watch your 5 year old snuggle up as many times as she can to her birth mom that she has NO memories of before she came into foster care and was adopted.  She only knows her because you've helped create a few good memories.  Or when you are explaining to your 10 year old why some people have closed adoptions and others open and she says, "you don't have to worry about me loving them more than you, because I love you both the SAME."  

I hugged two *drug dealers this weekend.  Welcomed them into my home.  Let them hug and snuggle my babies.  But it was hard.  Even if it feels right, and you know its what is best for these particular children and this particular family, that thriving human inside of you struggles to the top and fights to be heard. 

"I can't believe I have drug dealers in my house, they might be the most respectful drug dealers ever, but they are still drug dealers.  I don't care if you are clean today.  You were forced to be clean because of your 30 days in jail.  Lets face it, tomorrow you could be using again and you won't care about us as much as you do today.  I don't want our kids to love us the SAME.  I want them to love me MORE.  I've done WAY more for them, and I obviously LOVE them MORE."

This weekend reminded me of a couple things.  One, It is absolutely amazing to me that two families, different in almost every way, can be together, love each other, be unselfish together.  I'm ordinary, but I know I'm doing an amazing thing.  And two--lets forget about number two right now and just focus on number one.  

The day after our visit birth mom posted (word for word) on her Facebook page:

"Ten years ago today I gave birth to the best little thing that ever happened to me I love you penny rose I know that one day you will come home to us and i can't Waite to make it all up to you have a happy happy birthday baby"

Why does she do this? She has written this kind of message before and she tags our Facebook account that we have set up for her so I can post pics of the kids for her. We also get together a few times a year. Recently she wrote a letter and tried to communicate to me through our daughter. "Mommy loves you so much, I want to get you a birthday present, ask your mom if that is ok." Luckily I intercepted the letter. She wrote it in rehab, and I'm pretty sure it was supposed to be an apology letter--but it wasn't. One day I will tell her that she cannot do this. That any letters she sends to my house need to be addressed to me. And if she wants to talk to me--to contact me. But since I have her two other kids in care right now...I don't really want to rock that boat.  Its just hard sometimes to be the nice one when I want to give her a dose of reality---you can never make this up to her!! She will not be coming home except for a polite visit one day. She will lead a beautiful drug free life and she already knows coming back to you isn't what she wants to do. She knows you are a drug dealer. That drugs are the reason why you have lost all FIVE children. She loves you, but my hope is that I will fill her up so much with love and understanding (and resources when that doesn't cut it) that she won't NEED you to make it up to her. 

What is she thinking tagging me in this????  The thing is she doesn't think.  She has no clue about how insane that post will sound to me.  Come home to you?  She IS home. AND you can NEVER make it all up to her.  EVER.  What you have done to these children may never be completely reparable, but I know for one thing, YOU won't be making anything up to them.  They will figure out how to repair themselves with the help of me--our family and with the help of their Heavenly Father who is the only One that can truly make it all up to them.  And He will.

Here are some honest truths I've told Penny:
Birth mom does drugs, deals drugs.
Birth mom goes to jail, goes to rehab.
Birth mom loves you.
Birth mom's brain stopped developing around 13.  
Birth mom doesn't have a good memory because of drug abuse.
Grandma did drugs, birth mom was in foster care.
Both aunts did drugs but are recovering addicts and doing really well.
You can make bad choices and still be a good person. 
Everyone is a Child of God and is very much loved, but not everyone can be trusted.
We can love people who make bad choices, and we can learn to not make those bad choices.
We will make our own bad choices.
Birth mom lies sometimes, because she thinks the truth will hurt you.
I will tell you the truth, and help you feel better when it hurts.
We have to live with other people's consequences.  It sucks.
Being adopted was Heavenly Father's plan for you all along.
You are loved by SO many people!

*drug dealers are more normal than you think...and these ones aren't dangerous, I assure you.  If you met them, you would actually love them like I do.  They have only been kind and loving and respectful towards me and our family.  I've heard lots of stories of how they act around other people, but I have never witnessed anything that would make me think they were dangerous or a threat in any way.  Plus they were clean.  And addicts that are clean, are WAY different than when they aren't.

I put on my happy face.  I was the bigger person that I wanted to be, that I should be.   I have been dealt a better hand in life than she was.  She never had a chance.  I had about a million.  And I really do love her.  And I don't think she realizes how much she has lost, but I know. Could you even imagine losing all of your children?