"Here's the thing, you WERE her mommy. You got demoted when you chose your boyfriend over your children. Harsh, but true. You gave them to me--all of their hopes, dreams, fears, trauma, disabilities, strengths, anxieties. You don't get to write birthday letters and sign them "mommy". She doesn't refer to you as mommy anymore. She calls you by your first name. We refer to you as birth mom, or your first name. One day, she may choose to call you mommy again, but you don't get to choose when that is or write cards that say, "Mommy loves you so much and I want to get you a birthday present, if its ok with your MOM." You got to be her mommy for 6 years, then you quit. We all know you quit long before that but I love you, regardless of everything, and I know you love our children. And OUR children love you. We share children, and I'm ok with that. I embrace all of them, including their past, and including you. But you don't get to refer to yourself as their mommy anymore. I hug them in the morning, and tuck them in at night. I help them with their homework, do their hair, feed them, clothe them, comfort them when they are sick or scared. I am their mommy.
You didn't get a fair start in life, I understand that, and if I could be your mom, or help you through your difficult times, I would. But that is not my job. My job is to protect and care for our children. Sometimes that means protection from the incorrect usage of the word "mommy." You have already created so much confusion and trauma in their young lives. Don't confuse them with endearing terms that for some of them, haven't even crossed their consciousness yet. You may send cards. You may profess your love for them. And you may address yourself using your first name. Or even birth-mom. But please, please, please understand--you were their mommy, but I am their mommy."
I needed to vent after thinking in circles for the past 3 hours.
"Do I show her the letter? Do I edit it? Do I save it? Do I tell her about it? Do I explain how it makes me feel or ask how she feels about it?" No idea really. Adoption is both wonderful and hard. Adopting older children from foster care is different than starting out with a newborn. They have memories that you don't have. They love people you don't know.
Navigating these waters is rocky and unfamiliar to me. Writing my thoughts down helps me make lines out of those circles. This is where I am right now. I may be somewhere completely different tomorrow.
Penny losing her first tooth was an unforgettable memory for me. The last remnants of her baby years were her baby teeth. I was the mommy for the first lost tooth, and the second, and third, and I will be her mommy for the last one. I own those memories with her. I started loving her before we even met. I was prepared from a very young age to be her mommy. I hope she will always know how much I have loved her.
Love that toothless grin and love my hair! (styled by Penny of course!)
She is my lucky Penny forever! And WAY deep down, I know that her birth mom will always be her mommy too. But I'm already sharing kids, I don't want to share titles too!!
You are brave and strong. I don't know what the right decision is but I know you will find it in time and prayer. And yes, you are her Mommy! Being a mommy is more than giving birth, it is giving your life and you do that everyday.
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