Before The Beginning (foster journey part 1)

October 2012.  We were happy.  Content.  We had been through the stress of school, too many moves, unemployment, baby births, and all the natural trials of marriage and life.  There always seemed to be some problem to solve or something to overcome. But not at this moment.  We were happy.  Content. It was a normal morning but I felt an extra skip in my step.  I felt overwhelming grateful.  Thankful for my life and everyone in my life.  Maybe that was why  "now" was the answer. Life felt too easy and we needed to be challenged, to grow.  I felt confident in telling Kyle something I had been keeping to myself for the past few weeks, but after cleaning the bathroom the day before I couldn't stay quiet any longer.  I said goodbye to Kyle but before kissing him and sending him on his way, I told him I had something important I really needed to talk to him about.  But later.  I think he would have pressed for more information, except he sensed my "on the verge of tears" state and agreed to wait.  I closed the door and thought about the day before.

Yelling. Screaming. More yelling, more screaming.  "Stop fighting and screaming!" (I yelled, ironically).  I just wanted to finish cleaning the bathrooms but Ruby (3) and Oliver (2), who were usually best buds, didn't seem to remember that this morning.  I reluctantly turned on a show after soothing them back to their peaceful selves so that I could finish the bathrooms.  I had a brilliant idea of turning on the conference session I had missed the week before so I could listen while I cleaned.  Maybe it would help me whistle while I worked instead of yelling.  With the kids glued to the screen  I was alone with my thoughts and they turned to where they had been the past few weeks.  Foster Care.  I had tried to push them away, ignore them, rationalize them into nothing, even researching them in hopes of finding a strong enough deterrent to stop them.  But they stayed.  I scrubbed the counter and pleaded with my Heavenly Father to please forgive me.  I couldn't listen. Not now.  Not yet.  I still wanted to have another baby, maybe my last, I was convinced that fostering other children needed to come AFTER I was done raising my own babies.  I had read that was the best time to do foster care,  considering how many potential problems the foster kids could have or develop. It made complete sense to me.  So why was I having such strong feelings and thoughts about fostering NOW.  It sounded absurd.  Ridiculous.  INSANE!

I turned the water off so I could hear the speaker.  He was speaking about the Holy Ghost.  And I knew in my heart, that I had been ignoring Him.  Recently I had strong, overwhelming, very personal feelings about foster care and I needed to know where or who they were coming from.  One experience, especially, had left me with a desperate feeling of needing to know--Now.  Just the other day I was driving when I caught a glimpse of my happy (miracualousy not fighting) children in the rear view mirror.  I was smiling, thinking about their cute faces when I had this freakazoid moment of panic--someone or someones were missing.  Who was not in the car?  I glanced back again and counted 4 heads--they were all there.  All of my children were in the car.  A distinct voice said,  "No, there are others that need you and they need you now."  Uncontrollable tears were now painting my face and I started to take deep breaths so that the panic didn't  affect my driving. I started imaging a young girl or boy occupying an empty seat in back.  They were calling me mom and I was driving them in my car.  I had always had a vivid and dramatic imagination--lots of day dreaming in my past, and I wasn't convinced that those extra kids were anything more than that.  "Please.  Please help." said the voice in my head.  And now I was home and taking my 4 kids (not more) out of the car and into the house.

The water was off and the voice was perfectly clear.  The speaker was quoting Thomas S. Monson now. "In the performance of our responsibilities, I have learned that when we heed a silent prompting and act upon it without delay, our Heavenly Father will guide our footsteps and bless our lives and the lives of others.  I know of no experience more sweet or feeling more precious than to heed a prompting only to discover that the Lord has answered another person's prayer through you."

"Ok.  I'll do it." I stated this out loud, and I knew that I could not turn back on my decision to foster now, not later.  What would Kyle think about this decision I had made without him?   I couldn't help but smile.

And that was before the beginning.

October 2012