Every mom knows what it feels like for the days to drag on. Some days are longer than others. After playing for hours on the floor with your kiddos with the constant interruptions of snack times, diaper changes along with multiple calls to action to avoid possible small scale disasters, you realize it is only 10 am. I knew what it was like with 2 young children--Ruby and Oliver were 4 and almost 3 when we added 2 more stay at home kids. I enjoyed being a mom, taking Ruby and Oliver on field trips, playing games, and just the regular mom chores. I got out with friends during the week because they had a couple small children too. It was manageable, even fun! Adding 2 more (stay at home kids and then a newborn 2 months later) was not manageable or fun most days. I was drowning. Kyle was great, and so were my close friends, but no one can help you all of the time--and it was ALL the time that I was drowning. Millie was at the hardest busiest age and she made it count every single minute of every single day. She climbed EVERYTHING. There was no such thing as childproof. Kyle always joked that if anyone wanted to see if their house had a weakness, we could hire Millie out and she would find it. She was full of anxiety and fears too. I was ill equipped to deal with a child like Millie, and I was too exhausted to even try, but I did my best. One of my biggest regrets is how I handled my early days with Millie and I've been trying to make up for it still. Max cried. A lot. He also would sit and hit his head against a wall or couch over and over again. Not enough to hurt, but it was obviously an unsettling behavior. I held him anytime I could. Oliver, Millie and Max constantly fought over my lap. My jeans grew holes in the knees so quickly from being on the floor all day with the kids. I rarely if ever found time to eat. I was consumed with all of the roller coaster emotions that accompany foster parents--will the kids stay or will they go? Max and Millie had so much anxiety I couldn't leave the room without them having fits of panic and crying hysterically for me. Almost immediately Oliver started to exhibit the same anxiety. In the beginning I was full of guilt anytime I had to leave them. After awhile, I was filled with resentment for the guilt they were causing. And then I felt even more guilt, because of my feelings of resentment.
The days were long. The first night I cried because I was so exhausted and didn't think I could survive it. Obviously I was clueless about how hard things would really be when I decided to follow that prompting. My thoughts of doubt were constant. "Was Heavenly Father crazy? I thought he knew me. How in the world did he think I could do this?" I cried almost every night that first month, and multiple times during the day. I didn't want the days to begin the next morning, but I never gave in those thoughts. I woke up, got out of bed, and pushed through every single day. I remember my mom visiting and suggesting that I hire someone to help clean my house or help with the kids. Just like most of the other times she had a great idea, I absolutely positively refused to acknowledge that it was. I didn't need someone else to clean my house. I could do that. I was asked to do this hard thing, and so I would do it. That lasted a couple of months and then I buckled. Kyle and I decided we really did need help. We got 30 dollars a day through foster care, why not use that money for help? And so we did. Every single penny and then some. After 2 months of doing everything and wondering how I was going to keep it up after baby came at the beginning of August, I had a plan. I would hire someone to help.
Nicole helped me interview. Of course. And we found our help we so desperately needed. I hired 2 nannies (even though I despise that name) to help me during the day. I hired them at the beginning of July. Kyle didn't ever want me to be alone so we had morning and afternoon hours for our nannies. Marley and Megan were heaven sent. I just didn't know how perfectly timed they came into our lives until July 10. Simon was due sometime during the first week of August. My mom had made plans to come help at the end of July. But Simon wanted to come July 10, and so he did. It was by far, my scariest delivery and the events leading up to his birth were quite exciting! In short, I thought I wet the bed, I was embarrassed but didn't want to deal with it and was having cramps and couldn't sleep so I watched call the midwife instead--at 3 am. Kyle finally heard me at 4 am and wondered what in the world I was doing! I finally went back in our bedroom and discovered I hadn't wet the bed. More like bled the bed. It was a little scary to say the least. Luckily we hadn't seen the blood before deciding it was time to go to the hospital to be safe because of my cramping. Unfortunately (typed with sarcasm) Kyle was scheduled to go to scout camp that day--he was supposed to leave at 6 am, but we luckily found a sub. Thank you Wilsons! Nicole was out of town--how dare she not anticipate this early unexpected labor! My friend Michelle was happy to come and stay at the house until our nanny arrived---barely on the job and she would be handling everything on her own. It was not how I had planned it--I wanted to help them get to know the kids, show them where everything was, help them get comfortable (before throwing them in to the pit of despair) but this was not to be. After we had the other 7 kids taken care of, we left for the hospital to see about number 8. Long story short, they suspected the placenta had started to detach but the ultrasound was not conclusive. They decided having the baby that day was the best course of action and I agreed. I was worried about him almost being a month early, but all went well, and after taking one look at him, I KNEW he was not early. He looked the same and weighed the same as all of my other babies--I suspected a wrong due date prediction.
I didn't know then, but I had my first anxiety episode at the hospital with Simon. I had amazing nurses but I never liked asking for help. I felt light headed and got up and almost fainted but caught myself on the side of the bed. I called the nurse for a sprite. I started crying as soon as she walked in. I sobbed and sobbed while sipping that sprite. I had a hard time breathing. But focused on sipping that sprite like my life depended on it. Apologizing for all the unnecessary tears---I didn't know what had come over me, but I knew I did not want to go home. I wanted to stay in that hospital bed forever. I wanted those nurses to take care of me forever and drink unlimited sprite. I couldn't tell her all of those thoughts without sounding insane, so I just cried and tried to breath and sat sipping my sprite in between my pitiful sobs. That poor nurse. I'm sure she had seen it all before though. She was so kind and comforting. But soon, I had to go home. Kyle came to get me, and I said I would just like to stay an extra couple of days. He laughed and and forced me in the car. Just kidding. I was a willing participant. I said goodbye to that lovely nurse and climbed into the car.
There WERE happy times. The pictures make it look like there were ALWAYS happy times. I'm ok with that.
Vampire Max and big brother Ollie
Millie was so little!!
These sweet sisters didn't sleep. They would have woke up at 5 am to play dress up if I would have let them. They were always the first ones up. During the first couple of weeks Penny wasn't in school so Millie and Penny would play (another frustration of fostering is getting kids enrolled in their new schools--sometimes it is a long drawn out process).
Visits were in Heber. I would drive an hour, stay an hour, and drive an hour home once a week. This was Millies b-day party at McDonalds with Birth family. We had only had the kids a few weeks. It was awkward for me. I brought my kids. I remembering wishing I hadn't.
Our Birthday celebrations with Millie before her party.
Time out buddies. I just found it amusing that one is smiling and one is crying. She just thought it was great to be on a high stool.
Millie and Oliver were double the trouble. Here is after leaving them alone for a few seconds. Everything piled in the crib. The picture doesn't do justice. The room was a hazard zone after they got done with it. Fun times. Goodbye clean house!
Crazy hair day for Penny! Ruby wanted to participate too. Why not? Who doesn't want to take the time to braid a million braids in the morning??
I would braid a million braids for this smile.
Millie participates in crazy hair every morning!
We celebrated Fathers day!
Penny was a Saratoga Shark for 2 weeks before she graduated kindergarten!
Millie checking for weakness in the house.
Before Simon was born we got to visit the family cabin in Wildwood. It was really hard to have so many littles so we didn't visit long.
Ruby was in heaven having a best friend sister.
Bookworms in the making
I celebrated my 31st birthday!
4th of July bbq with family
I've always loved dressing my kids up. Kyle calls them my little dollies. I did have lots of dolls as a child, so its only right for me to have lots of real life dollies. Having more kids to doll up has NEVER been a burden. I still love it!
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