2 weeks

It was February.  The week before Penny's birthday.  We had invited birth family to help us celebrate and we were all excited for them to come.  I had a visit schedule with the caseworker, which wasn't unusual, but this visit she brought her supervisor with her.  Later, I realized it was because she was nervous and scared.  Too scared to deliver the news that she would make him deliver.  I was already nervous.  The Supervisor, Keith, had already shown me that he was the man in charge and that he liked it that way.  We had a team meeting a month before and it was disturbing to watch the other DCFS workers (mostly female) almost bow to him when their opinion didn't match up with his.  How quickly he was able to get an entire room on his side.  I didn't care for him much.  But I could tell almost immediately, the feeling was mutual.

He obviously wasn't there to visit.  And without warning, as he was playing with Max on his lap, he told me that they (He) had decided that since we at one point we didn't didn't feel as if we could keep Max, they had looked to a great aunt as another option and had decided to send the kids, who had been part of our family for 11 months, to Nebraska.  They would come back in 2 weeks to collect the kids and would we please have them ready.

I tried not to cry, to talk rationally and when that did nothing to sway them I cried my eyes out and begged.  They wouldn't budge.  I realized the caseworker had said little to nothing the entire time.  I finally felt bold enough to tell them it was time for them to leave.  But before they left, I turned to the caseworker, and in one last ditch effort, tried to appeal to her emotions and said, "I'm very disappointed in you.  You know this isn't right." She had no response, but I knew if my words could sway anyone, it would be her.  I didn't have a lot of faith in my words. or her.

After they were politely kicked out, Kyle was immediately on the phone calling lawyers.  We found out that if they had waited one more month, they wouldn't be able to make the transfer, that is why they struck now.  11 months they could still take the kids away without a judge batting an eye.  Or so we were told.  The details are blurry now, but I remember not being able to breath.  I couldn't believe what was happening.  I have never been so scared in my life, so helpless.  Kyle offered as much hope as he could.  And I just cried.  I think the kids went to a friends house to give me some time to pull myself together, but I don't remember.  I do remember wondering what I was going to tell the birth family, what I was going to tell the kids.  In the end, we didn't tell them anything.  We decided to have faith that we would never have to tell them anything.

I remember going into my bathroom, looking into the mirror for a long long time.  Looking at my red face and puffy eyes, and realizing my spirit looked as hopeless as it felt.  I took a picture, I don't know why, but I think it was because I wanted to remember exactly how I felt, how I looked, when I was about to lose three of my children.  A snapshot in time that would remind me of my lowest moment, and just maybe, someday, there would be a picture showing the opposite.  A picture of me looking into the mirror feeling triumphant and full of hope again.  I talked to myself and gave myself a pep talk, telling myself that I could do this, that everything would work out. But I had valid doubts.  There were many stories from foster parents that were sure their placement would stay, that they would adopt, but the kids ended up going back.  Many times they went back only to be returned to the foster care system within  a year.  There would be so many hearts broken.  Not just Kyle and our kids, but also the entire birth family, whom we referred to as our Vernal family.  I knew I had to fake it until I made it, and that weekend I planned on giving Penny the best birthday ever.

But first, we had to find a lawyer.  We thought it would be best to find one in Vernal, but it proved to be an impossible task.  We couldn't find a lawyer in the area that hadn't, at one point in time, represented someone in our kids birth family.  It was ridiculous, and frustrating. After meeting with a few lawyers we decided to go with one in Provo that we felt like would fight hard for us.  I was happy to find someone that would be on our side.  DCFS is very powerful, and having them on the opposite side meant almost certain defeat.  I reached out to as many people as I could, to see if there was some law that would prevent the transfer.  I made the mistake of posting on a Facebook page for foster parents for my region.  I didn't know where else to ask my questions, so I took the risk even though I knew caseworkers and RFC's were also on the Facebook page.  Big mistake.

It took me a long time to decide to post this picture (its a very ugly picture--and its a very personal moment for me).  I can't help but cry when I see it--because I remember how I felt, and how much I felt.