I have written this part of the story in my head dozens of times. But when it comes to writing it down on paper, it seems impossible. I'm scared to write it wrong. Its hard to put as much emotion into my writing that is necessary to explain the next part of the story: the story of Max, our son who may not have been. Our crazy happy, crazy loving, crazy cuddling, crazy sweet little Max. From the beginning, we thought our 3 little birds were meant for a different family. Even after they were placed, we wondered if we were just a stopping ground before they moved onto a different family. At first glance, Max seemed like a happy 9 month old baby boy. But in reality, Max cried ALL. THE. TIME. He seemed miserable. He screamed even more than he cried. Dinner time was a nightmare. I just wanted him to be happy and he only seemed happy if I was holding him. We knew he had anxiety. But mostly I thought he was unhappy and hated his new home. I was going insane and things only got worse after Simon was born. I needed help.
Help and hope came in the form of another foster family. The *Hansen Family. They did respite for us the first weekend we had our bonus kids since we had a trip already planned. It would be the first (and only) time Kyle's parents had ever babysat for us and we didn't want to overwhelm them with an extra three kids. Penny, Millie and Max had a blast. A few months later we planned a trip to AZ--but we only had 9 seats, someone had to stay behind. Max volunteered to stay with the Hansen Family. He hated the car anyways, and he LOVED the Hansens. From all reports he was happy in their home. I knew it was because he had so much more attention--attention that he deserved. So we went on our trip and Max stayed behind. After our trip Max spent more and more time with the Hansens. It made things easier at home, quieter, but oh how we missed him. I kept telling the kids he was so much happier there, and we wanted him to be happy. I was trying to prepare them for what I thought would happen. Kyle and I both truly thought he was meant to be the Hansens son. In public, I stood confident and faithful in this belief, and we were adamant with DCFS about him being better off in a smaller family. DCFS was not happy, but told us it may be a possibility (they were lying to us but we didn't know that--as soon as we voiced our opinion about Max, they reached out to a great aunt in Nebraska as a possible placement for all 3 kids--but thats another part of this story for another time). I was a brand new foster parent. I had no idea how things worked.
As I was saying, in public, I acted ok with our belief that Max was better off with the Hansens, but in private, I was devastated, felt like a failure, and mourned over the loss of a son I would not have. For me it was the hardest most unselfish decision I HAD to make. I wasn't enough for him, he needed more. It wasn't until Christmas break that I realized how much we needed Max and how much he needed us. It was also becoming clear, due to the lack of communication with us, that DCFS wouldn't support Max's transfer. One of the best decisions DCFS ever made in this case, and that I'm forever grateful for...because I don't know if I would have had the strength on my own to tell the Hansens that I had changed my mind. Max had started to grow to be a part of their family as well, and I knew they loved him. It was also around this time that we discovered he would need tubes. We wondered, and it was later confirmed, that the cause of most of his screaming and crying and unhappiness was chronic ear infections for most of his life. He didn't show the common signs---he had no fever, but would throw up from time to time--which at the time, we didn't know that puking is also a symptom of ear infections.
After we informed DCFS that we were happy to keep all 3 kids, and that his new tubes had greatly improved his disposition, we went along our Merry little way. We were forever indebted to the Hansen family, for how much they helped us, especially during some very hard and long days. We thought things were looking up and we were very excited and hopeful that we would get to add our new bonus kids permanently to our family. We had no idea what trial was around the corner--the scariest moment of my life so far. I still can't believe it happened, and that against all odds, everything worked out how it was supposed to work out.
Most of my days looked like this...kids fighting for my lap. Me trying to smile through it. Sweet, perfect baby Simon, somewhere in the background letting them have me. If he had been a needy, fussy baby, I think I would have lost my marbles...4 crying babies would just be too much for this exhausted mom to handle.
Max Today
Preschool Graduation Spring 2017
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