Detour

This is my journal.  Originally I envisioned it being private, but after a lot of thought, I decided I'm ok with it being public.  People ask a lot of questions about foster care, adoption, our life with 10 littles and I'm totally ok with that but most of the time I don't know how to answer right on the spot, or I don't have enough time.  Here I can take the time to formulate all the words I have swimming around in my head.  Also--I really do love to share our story.  Not because I think we are amazing, or special, but because I want to show everyone that we are just regular.  And that regular people CAN do AMAZING things if we listen to the promptings of the spirit and follow them.

My journal includes a lot of talk about God, and the spirit, and power of prayer.  And if that makes anyone feel uncomfortable I'm not sorry.  First of all, because this is my journal, and second of all--my life, this life, my husband, my children, would not have been possible had I not listened to the spirit.  I can't take the all credit of doing amazing things because without God, I would not be able to do any of them.  Compliments seem to be hard for people in general to accept.  It sometimes feels like you are prideful if you too easily accept a compliment.  Most people make some type of excuse or another why that compliment is unfounded.  I do it all the time.  People say, "Emily you are SO amazing!" and I always say,  "No, I'm insane, it's different."  The other week someone told me I was amazing in Costco and it played on repeat all the way home.

"Is it ok for me to feel amazing?  Because I don't.  But, isn't what I'm doing amazing? Yes--yes it is!  I alone am not amazing.  I am not perfect.  I am full of flaws, but that doesn't mean I don't do amazing things." 

When I was a senior in high school someone taught me how to take compliments.  How to not feel so uncomfortable with accepting them.  I have let myself forget it these last few years, but I am going to try harder to remember.  When someone gives you a compliment you imagine it bouncing off of you to God and back down on you again.  Its like you are saying thank you to Him first, because that is where you came from, where all your talents, and skills, and beauty originated.  It's because of my Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ that I decided to do this blog.  It may sound cheesy, but its my way of complimenting Them. Show how amazing They are for helping me to do amazing things.  That being said, I really truly believe ALL mothers and women (and sometimes men..j/k...they are amazing too) do amazing things each day.  I see them all around me.  Teaching me and showing me how to be a better me.  

And so after that detour--I will end with a story.

Once upon a time, there was a husband and a wife.  They had 8 beautiful (and sometimes a bit crazy) children.  One day they became foster parents (again) to two little girls. The wife had an experience that she will never forget that made her believe these little girls would be her daughters someday...before they were even born, she thought this.  But as the years passed by, doubts of this ever becoming a reality started to surface.  She pushed them away over and over again.  She asked her husband what he thought, and he said, "Don't worry about it, it will all work out. And you already got your answer."  He reminded her of the analogy of Peter walking on water towards Christ. If he kept his focus on Christ, he would not sink.  But he wasn't able to do it.  He encouraged his wife to walk on water.  She continued to pray for faith and assurance that what she felt so long ago would; stay strong with her through the storm and the raging waters.  But some days were hard.  An especially hard day she asked her husband to remind her how he felt about the situation.  He said he believed what would happen but he did not know what would happen or how long it would take.  This made her feel as if the rock she had been standing on disintegrated into sand.  She realized she had been relying on his faith and had misinterpreted his beliefs.  She was devastated.  She felt confused.  Betrayed even.  How could she do this hard thing and NOT know what would happen. She felt as if she might drown if she couldn't know the outcome. She wouldn't survive it.  This wife tried to stop feeling sick about it and went to sleep.  She went to sleep and dreamed.  The dream was so vivid that she cried real tears of fear in her dream.  She didn't think much of it until the next morning when she was reciting the dream to her husband.  When she put the images into words, she realized that the dream was not a coincidence.  She had never had a dream that seemed to mean anything. The dream went like this:

The wife was at a familiar beach.  She was on the sand alone and without a warning, a huge rush of water came and surrounded her.  It was a tsunami and it was terrifying.  She survived but every time she remembered her experience she cried.  Later, she visited the same beach, she was scared but felt assurance it would be ok.  She was floating on the water in an inner tube and all of a sudden the inner tube submerged under water and she felt as if another tsunami was headed for her.  She was under water and drowning.  She heard voices.  It was her parents calling out to her.  "Emily, you are only in three feet of water.  You are not drowning, just put your head up!  You will be ok!"

It wasn't a dream about walking on water.  It wasn't a dream telling me everything will work out how I want it to work out.  But it did tell me I would survive, to not worry, that I will be ok.  I guess that will have to be enough right now.  I will live in the moment and love those two foster babies for as long as I can.  I will put my head up and I will be ok.