And then there were 8

                             
We fell into a routine after a couple of months that kept us sane and mostly happy.  But obviously still sleep deprived because I wet the bed.  Ug. The last time I wet the bed was...wait for it...on my honeymoon!  Too much info?  Talk about the most embarrassing story ever (saved for NEVER! but in my defense I had a UTI).  I didn't want to wake up Kyle but 8 month pregnant self was having a few cramps so I didn't turn on the light and after using the el bano didn't flush and decided to watch Call the Midwives on the computer in the living room.  Kyle eventually stirred and came out to wonder aloud why the heck his wife was watching tv at 5 am.  I told him I thought it might be time to have a baby.  The cramps were contractions and getting stronger.  I went in to check on my yellow sheets and instead found a red surprise.  I found the same surprise when I went to the bathroom to flush.  I had never seen so much blood.  Kyle and I were worried and unsure of what to do first.  We divided to conquer.  He found a sub for his 6 am meet up for cub scout camp that day and I called my friend Michelle to come to the house.

We drove to the hospital and after a scare of possible placental abruption, our healthy baby boy Simon Hernry was born.  I celebrated with a cherry coke.  He was beautiful and I was in love.  I had decided not to nurse for the first time.  It was a hard decision. Not because I especially loved nursing, but because of all of the pressure put on me in the hospital to nurse.  I knew I wouldn't be able to handle a nursing baby and 3 babies at home who thought every time I sat down it was an invitation to climb on my lap.  Nursing was stressful, especially the first few weeks and I wasn't prepared to add anymore stress on our family.  I had to remind the nurses several times (sometimes through tears) that I wasn't nursing.  After a pep talk from Kyle I held strong and fed sir Simon the beautiful bottle with confidence.

Too soon it was time to go home and get back to work.  Vacation was over.  The kids were thrilled to see us.  Oliver  could't contain his enthusiasm over a new baby and made us show him all his fingers and toes. I wish I could remember every little moment of those newborn days but they are mostly a blur.  What I do remember is that for the first time I had an angel of a baby.  He rarely cried and he brought a feeling of peace and love that newborns are often guilty of.  We all adored him and we all needed him and it was clear-- Simon came at the perfect time.

Life was definitely busier with a newborn.  Kyle did the first visit or two but eventually I started driving out to Heber for visits.  I took our three bonus kids as well as Simon.  Simon and I spent a happy hour in the car together just us two.  I cuddled and cooed with baby all the while trying not to think about the visit happening just a few feet away in the Dcfs building.  The kids were always happy to go to the visit, but they were also anxious to get back into the car afterwards.  I remember after only a few weeks of doing visits Millie saw me driving the car after the visit and was so worried that I was going to drive away that she started to freak out and scream.  She calmed down as soon as she knew she was getting in my car to come home.

For the fist time in my life I knew I had postpartum.  I was crying ALL THE TIME and most of the time I didn't even know WHY.  I definitely didn't feel like myself and finally asked for help.  I remember on the phone with the nurse when I made the appointment they asked me if I had thoughts of suicide.  I told them no, but I had thoughts of running away! I arranged with Kyle to have him meet me at the doctors office to pick up the youngest 5 kids so I could talk to the doctor in peace. Unfortunately, we didn't communicate the location of the doctors office and he drove to a different doctors office.  It was too late, I would have to take my baby, 1, 2, 3, and 4 year old into the appointment.  I'm sure her seeing me with those crazy monkeys climbing all over me trying to share one bag of fruit snacks made the doctor want to prescribe all kinds of medication for me. She was so sweet and after figuring out most of what I was feeling was anxiety, she prescribed me a low dose of prozac.  I was doubtful anything would help me, let alone a little pill, but I was thankful she listened and validated my feelings.  She went a step further helped me and my brood out to the car.  Even helping the kids into their carseats.  I will never forget that kindness.

You are told when you certify as foster parents that there will be a rollercoaster of emotions.  But can anything really prepare you for loving a child for a year and then sending he or she back back to  the place of neglect and abuse they came from? After all your hard work to undo the mess the the trauma caused, DCFS sends them back and HOPES that they will be ok.  Some days I couldn't take it and I would just cry in frustration and hope they would go home the next day before I got too attached.  Other days I pleaded with my Heavenly Father to please, please let them stay.  Let them be MY children forever.  In the beginning it looked like the kids would be going to an aunt.  A sister to Penny's birth father.  We prepared to have them moved in every way we could but things never materialized.  Forms were't completed, appointments missed and DCFS was finally told that the aunts husband would only take Penny, not her siblings.  We breathed a sigh of relief and continued on.  Next we were notified that grandma would be taking the kids.  She talked to the kids each visit about how she was fixing up their room, got new carpet, and a crib for Max.  Again, after a few weeks, DCFS finally came out and ruled against grandma ever getting custody of the children because of her past.  I wasn't sure at the time that it was the best decision.  The grandma was very loving, and seemed like she would provide a loving home and stability.  Rumors surfaced that she was still using drugs and that her husband was an alcoholic. But that wasn't what made DCFS decide not to move the children to her home.

There are a few details from Penny's first week with us that I will never forget.  She was a colorful cute little liar that first week.  She told me she lived in the biggest house on the street.  That her grandpa drove a submarine.  Another memorable conversation was about foster care.  She told me in her happy go lucky voice, "It is normal for kids to go to foster care.  Lots of kids do.  My mom did".  I had to tell her in the most loving way that it wasn't normal, or ok. I explained that the reason her mom went to foster care was because her grandma made some bad choices and didn't know how to be a safe mom.  I also explained that she was in foster care because her mom had made the same bad choices.  She was in foster care to be safe.

Her birth mom had been placed in foster care when she was about 16, and after some time, moved back home--only to continue to use drugs and live her colorful lifestyle.  It was only a matter of time before the cycle resurfaced.  I don't think mom ever had a chance to live a normal happy life.  Life isn't fair, but that wasn't Penny, Millie, or Max's fault.  I was determined to make them know that.

I am also determined to finish this story, but Lice interfered.  We are now a proud family of 12 lice FREE scalps.

at the doctors.  So much fun!

 This is not a staged picture.  This was my life.  I can't really believe I did it--not without help of course.  But I did it.  Not only survived it, but I came out a better and stronger person-because of them, all 8 of them.